Everything I never knew I always wanted

Can I tell you a secret? I don’t normally do this, tell secrets, but sometimes, maybe, sharing something you’ve suppressed or held down can be life-giving, freeing. Not just for the secret holder, but for the ears that hear.

My little secret: It’s about my dreams, my intentions, what my plans were/are. Maybe I’ll be judged for these secrets, maybe I’m okay with that.

I’m a proud mother of two, a wife of a Pastor, a stay-at-home mom, living the most beautiful life.

A life that I never wanted, never dreamed of, never hoped for. 

Let me explain:

There’s this movie that I love, “Fools Rush In” with Selma Hayak and Matthew Perry, who plays Alex Whitman, at the end of the movie after these unlikely two fall in love and forge a path together he holds her, looks in her eyes and says these words: “You are everything I never knew I always wanted.”

I’m Alex Whitman…I am living a life I never knew I always wanted. I am a Pastor’s wife (yeah none of us saw that coming). I have two incredible children, even though I swore up and down I never would, my eldest is a perfect accident who has inducted me into mommy-hood with kisses and snuggles, I’m a stay-at-home mom a title that I times I feel  altogether unequipped for, but I love these snotty nose kisses, long games of hide and seek, and epic lego building afternoons.

Day by day I’m learning how to lead in these rolls. I’m learning that my little guy doesn’t respond to a raised voice but a soft one. I’m learning how to raise a redhead, which I swear is a full-time job on it’s own. I’m learning how to keep a home, not that I don’t know how to clean, I do, but I’m learning what needs to be kept up and what can be let go of. I’m learning to love my husband in the ways that he needs love. I’m learning to see him as a man and not the boy that I met almost a decade ago. I’m learning so many things about myself, about my heart, and about what is really important.

Along the way I’m also learning that my dreams, the secret ones, they are still there. And even though my time is essentially eaten up by all of life’s demands, I’m learning that if I don’t respond to them I feel just little bit less of myself.

And I’ve done it. I’ve spend days, weeks, months, and years putting my dreams on hold as we moved from state to state, as we’ve birthed children, bought houses, left jobs and took new ones. I’ve done plenty of awesome and fun things in that time. I’ve had so many beautiful moments, long walks with my husband, sandy beach days with my children, but through all of it, from the bottom of my heart comes this little voice. A small little “what about me?” my dreams whisper. “Will you ever make time for me?” I hadn’t been, because I believed I couldn’t. There weren’t enough hours in the day.

But I was wrong. There is room, there always had been. I just wasn’t seeing it.

So I stand in my kitchen, my hands at shaking and I feel like I might just throw up. Why? Because I have a meeting with a publisher coming up in 3 days.

In 3 days, I’m going to sit down, straight-faced with someone and tell them why I think they should publish the book that I haven’t even written yet. And why haven’t I written it? Because I’m so scared. I’m terrified that I’ll fail, flop, curl into a ball and die. Because maybe I’m not good enough, maybe my writing sucks, maybe I don’t have what it takes, or maybe I do.

I know one thing for sure. I can’t fail if I don’t try. And so I need to be open to failure. I need to chase these dreams down like a woman possessed, and if I don’t, they’ll keep chasing me.

Wish me luck!